The greatest show on earth

“Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” … when Shelly said “I’m crying now” … I cracked ... I broke down … she didn’t mean to look indifferent … she was just protecting herself … and then she finally broke down … but it was too late … oh Paris, you know I adore you … but that was a mistake.

Random Screen Shot - Ryan Adams

My first memory of Ryan Adams … sitting on the top deck of the bus … the front seat … rain driving down against the glass, then a sudden tunnel … a long tunnel … I felt the peace you can only feel after laying a brand new lover … or after a car crash … the water droplets on the window distorting the lights and the motion … “Jesus (Don’t Touch My Baby)” was playing … I’ll never forget that moment.

Random screen shot – Ryan Adams

This may not mean a lot to you, but I know exactly what I’m doing.

Random screen shot - Ryan Adams

If there was a God, Ryan Adams would be gospel.

Random screen shot - Ryan Adams

I'll continue it tomorrow if I have enough time to pick up another litre of whisky.

More important than truth

Save your unhappiness till after midnight … bury the pain … nobody likes exposure in the daylight … too busy … I do like it though … when girls cry … it kind of turns me on … its not the pain … it’s the sincerity.

Caught up in myself

I saw a client at the gym today … I tried to prove myself a little more … I always think everyone is watching me … then my penis got caught in my underwear … somehow … it stuck forward ... a little triangle … a difficult situation … then Ryan Adams' “Blue Sky Blues” came on my MP3 player … I got lost in it and started crying … just a little … nobody noticed … why doesn’t anybody ever notice me?

All together now

I went to the vigil for the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen massacre two days ago … I was surprised … in recent years it has been so quiet … but this time … even the subway had police … even 2 stops away, there were crowds unable to get on the trains … the first time I went … I’ve never been so frightened … the first time I went … 1997 … how many was it? … 150,000 people? … I lost count … I got there early … I was keen … I’d never seen so many people … all in unison … it frightened me … all together … usually the scary things happen too fast … but that day … it was hours … all those people … I was terrified … if I screamed, they all would have turned … so I held my breath … I forgot why I was there … all I could think was … all those people, how frightened I felt … if they turned, I wouldn’t stand a chance.

Unbelievable

I wake up … in a stupor … every day … like it is the first day of my life … no identity … a stupor … with the radio news, and the boring sports … it confuses … who was that? … they did what? … half dreaming, half grasping consciousness … Red Bull … cocaine … Martin Lee ... assasination plot ... it confuses me … once I was convinced Baby was a Tamil Tiger Rebel … I'm sure, but I can't believe it ... Red Bull … cocaine ... unbelievable …

No more Mr Nice Guy

Baby has left for Old Lady Manhattan … leaving me to my own devices … 2 weeks … imagine the police on holiday … consider it the violence of an imperfect soul … like an orgasm born out of rage … its going to get ugly.

Small in Japan

Baby and I just spent the week in Tokyo … in what remains of the Edo Period’s red light district … namely Yoshiwara … the true gutter of Tokyo … bums and madmen … rows of vending machines with men obsessively checking each returned-change pocket just in case … just in case … scavengers … all men … the only women there are beautiful … beautiful because they’re paid to be, or beautiful because they’ve survived … sitting at the end of the bar, the oldest one there, history stamped on her countenance. At night the men line the arcade, some drinking, some too drunk to keep drinking, some in eye glasses, moustaches, reading, like they just left a lecture hall, all lined up together with their cardboard and their blankets and awnings … they sleep early … why is that?
One night we went to the seediest bar we could find … it was just like my teens when I’d seek the lowest, most profound amongst us … it was just the same, but in Japanese … the emotion, the wild mood swings, the love and the violence … and the stink and the alcohol and the crescendo of insistence … in something … I couldn’t understand, but I knew the routine … we left as a fight was starting … same old story.
I loved that place, I’d like to stay a while ... all those humans.

Everything

I finished … the end … 3 times tonight … but I kept going … fool I am … a sketch …. done …. goddamn I’d love to draw with you … bravado aside, I’m shy as a motherfucker … hiding, behind make-up and a lack thereof … I know the rules … how to rule the masses, the world, my oyster; a piece of cake, let them eat, but goodgoddamn … nothing, yes, nothing. I’d love to be me … infront of you.

Coming soon

Just in case I die tomorrow … on the way to seeing you … just in case … my happiest moment … that room in Kyoto … waiting for our friends … our friends … that beautiful room … Richard Hawley played … “Danny” … while my heart was silently filling … and the room filled with that music, and it was you and me, waiting to start our life together … tears … at last, tears of happiness.

I’ve been nice

I’ve been nice … all day … I got out of your way in the doorway … apologized in emails even though it was your fault … I lowered my eyes when I started mentally undressing you … I turned the music down, I smiled even though I knew one day we’ll all be dead … I’ve been nice … the patience of a saint … after midnight though … when the day is done … I’d like you to meet Mr Edward Hyde … to introduce you to Mr Johnnie Walker … Mr Thriller is just around the corner, it’s the man in me … I’ve been polite … now I’m full of want.

The youth preservation society

To start with ... youth … Baby calls them vegetarians … that’s just right … vegetarians … youth … the trouble with youth … they don’t have any aggression … no balls … no insatiable urge to get into shit … they have an inherent urge to be okay … to be without the anger that destroyed my generation … to be without fire … to be above it all … to be what we should have been but couldn’t … they just don’t have the balls … the trouble with youth … no self-destruction.

I’ve been reading … Celine … he writes … he writes like this … with ellipses … fragments … like pieces that make a whole … analatycical cubism … it catches on quickly … fast … you read … then think … then blog that way.

The cereal box … yesterday … it was Kellogg’s … Kellogg’s Honey Crunch Corn Flakes … I had nothing to say … like when you’re in a rhythm … thrusting … eyes wide … caught … like a dog humping, ridiculous and urgent … wide eyed, transfixed idiothumping … notimegoodidiothumping

Profoundless

$5000 to the first person who can guess what cereal package I drew this on the back of.

Live slow, die old

I think I was about 20 when I quit drugs. I’d already had one overdose and was having trouble concentrating on drawing. Looking back, though, I wish I’d done more. There’s so very, very, very much to do before dying.

The man in me

I was involved in a conflict the other day, and I liked it.
I was in the lobby of my building waiting for the elevator while a man was stuffing junk mail into the mailboxes. The security guard was standing next to him and asking him to stop. The man ignored him and kept stuffing the mailboxes with his advertising. The security guard didn’t back down, but also didn’t push harder; he kept his composure and repeatedly asked the guy to stop. My elevator was taking a long time and I watched this undramatic drama continue, waiting for a solution that didn’t involve me, but it didn’t stop. I became slowly resolved, and when enough time had passed I stepped in. I walked up and stood over the junk mail guy, put my hand out infront of him and said in Chinese “Really, you have to stop”.
I was scared, I had no idea what would happen next. I was all tensed up, ready for a physical fight, or worse. This moment was magical, a come-what-hither moment that perhaps only a man drunk on testosterone could appreciate.
The man pretty much immediately backed off and scurried away, but not before giving me a big grin, which I interpreted to mean he wanted to diffuse the situation with a bit of good-natured humour.
I shouted after him, “What, you don’t understand Chinese?” in my bad Chinese. It could have been comical, but when you’re the winner you’re allowed a little bravado.

Coming into myself

Baby’s coming back tomorrow after a week in Japan. No more staying up till 5am, listening to Ryan Adams, crying into my whiskey with my make-up running down my face; but at least I can finally get a decent meal and maybe randy Mr Thriller will stop bothering me at last.

Superstardom (or, true love)

Today was a remarkable day.
A lot of you (none) have been asking me about the status of my idol Ah Giu / Gillian Cheung - the star that was shot down last year due to the “sex photo scandal”. Well, the corporate machine has judged 12.3 months to be enough for the dumb-fuck masses to forget about the titillating pornographic images taken of her and re-educate them into believing that the boy was bad, and the girls were good.
Ah Giu has returned! It started a couple of months ago with interviews about contemplation of suicide that made the heart-strings weep; then a real life, full blown advertising campaign where Ah Giu is sponsoring the new jeans by Bauhaus / Be Tough. I bought my first pair, and I look shit-hot. You can see the new campaign here: http://www.toughjeans.com/

Okay, I admit it is all pretty lame, and they'll never come close to capturing her beauty; but hey, who am I to confront the corporate machine? Especially taking into account I rushed out to buy my new jeans and get my very own “Ah Giu” bag which I will treasure forever.
Anyway, true love is alive and well.

Oh, and by the way, my close friend went into a coma when I was 25 because she had epilepsy and had a fit while she was also having an asthma attack. They held her on life-support for a couple of days and then pulled the plug. I’ll never forget that exact second when she died. I was at work, and I tried to ignore it, but I was aware, all day, of every second leading up to the exact moment when they were scheduled to turn the power off.

Now my company does cheap ads for a local epilepsy charity, and today I received a signed birthday card from the celebrity sponsor Mok Man Wai.
It is not my birthday, but I adore Mok Man Wai. She has long legs and is way too cool.

I know the world is two-dimensional. I know the world is driven by celebrity and religion and a violent need to be larger than oneself. I know it all, but it’s okay. I know it’s nothing and meaningless and hopeless. I know it all, but I still love you beautiful people. In fact, I love you more.