The summing up

Exposed, sort of

Being a portrait photographer has certain advantages, for example, when you need a new passport photo taken and you want it to be just right. I devoted last Saturday to this. I started pretty much as I usually look (except that I just dyed my hair black). Not satisfied with my natural state, I put on a suit. Still not happy, I combed my hair. Then came a little foundation, then mascara, then I darkened my eyebrows a little, then I added a tie. It looked pretty good, so I put on my best Mickey Rourke half jolly / half don’t-give-a-fuck smile, and shot away. Afterwards I smoothed my complexion a little on the computer, made my colour a little more healthy, removed the sty in my eye and softened the lines around my eyes. Smashing. I couldn’t get rid of the ‘lazy-eye’ that seems to set in after a few weeks of skipping sleep, but I figured that added to the persona somehow. I really started to like the new me. I realize it doesn’t actually represent me very well, which may not be entirely appropriate, as it is a passport photo, but hell, why limit yourself to, well, yourself?

I realised, also, my face has 2 completly different sides. I've seen this when i draw, but everything's exagerrated when i draw. Now I really see it though, if you draw a line down the centre of my face the left and the right seem to be doing their own, separate thing. I wonder if this is common.

Bear with me

Like a lot of people who are about to get married, I’ve had my photo taken a lot recently. I’ve been Japanese, I’ve been Chinese, I’ve been a soldier (my favorite) and I’ve been an angel. All this photo taking has reminded me of what a genius I am. I’ve had my head tilted, my hair fixed and my lighting adjusted, but I can’t smile for shit. When I smile I look like a really badly crafted wax dummy. My apologies to my good wife for ruining a lot of photos which would have looked amazing if they had been her alone. In contrast, when I take photos, the lighting sucks, the positions are not thought-out, but the sitters are slowly coaxed into shining, and smiling, no matter how uncomfortable they are when we start. I can adjust the white balance in Photoshop later, this is merely a technicality. So, I’ve been encouraged to smile more. This is me trying to smile. It took a while, but I finally realized what it reminds me of – it’s the same look that husky had in it’s eyes right before it attacked me – kind of glazed over – slightly lost and confused, slightly possessed. Pretty scary.

A Lifelong Romance

Spring is in the air and a young man's thoughts turn to slamming. This is me something like 15 years ago. I don't remember who I was then, or who I wanted to be. Hundreds of self-portraits later and not a lot has changed. Apart from the general disappointment in the human race and the diminishing blind insistence that existence is consequential, the overall lust remains, and the fundamental pleasures still lure me into a perpetual momentum; constantly lunging at beauty like a tethered, frenzied dog. Mindless, desperate longing.

Gross Bravado

Another day, another night full of whiskey and “Songs For Drella”. I’ve decided to ‘publish’ my drawings. Partly as an impetus to do well and partly to feed my relentless self-absorption. Looking back over my existence I have very few memories. I remember the more extreme violence, passion, every single death and every single bike crash, the overdose and the occasional dream. Apart from these landmarks the only other thing I remember is drawing and painting. When I lie, grasping for my last breath, one of countless animals slipping from gross bravado to non-existence, I will remember these moments and cling desperately, pointlessly, to them.