Today in the men’s changing room of the gym there was a man having a coughing fit. It was kind of gross at first, but not a big deal; but he just kept going. I guess he was choking on someone’s hairspray or something. I was half naked and he was still coughing, and someone with a whiny, English accent said “Get a fucking glass of water for fuck’s sake”. I wanted to say something, like “if he could stop it, I’m sure he would”, but this poor guy had so much attention on him I didn’t want to make it worse, so I just stared into the pit of my locker and got naked like a good English person. Finally the guy got his stuff together and bolted out of the room, still coughing, and then the whiny-voiced English person said “Haven’t we fucking-well progressed since SARS?” Again, I finished my duties as if I had no idea what was going on, and went to shower.
I’d like to rewrite this:
Today in the men’s changing room of the gym there was a man having a coughing fit. An asshole said “Get a fucking glass of water for fuck’s sake”, at which point I went to the coughing guy and asked in English if he was okay. Then I asked in Cantonese if I could get him a glass of water, proving my intellectual and humanitarian superiority over English dick. At this point everyone in the changing room started to admire me. The coughing guy pleaded with me to get a glass of water, which I got for him. He thanked me, and left, feeling much better. Then I turned to English dick and said, “Is this how you treat strangers?”, and he, trying to be cool, said “What are you, the Lone Ranger?” and I said, “What the fuck is wrong with being the Lone Ranger?”, stepping up to him. Even though he’s bigger than me, he knows I will beat him down because I’m a man on fire. He says, “Cool it, man, I’m just having a laugh.” And I say, “Don’t fuck with me. You wanna talk shit like that and then try to act like it’s a mutherfucking joke? Show some respect or keep your goddamn moth shut you sonofacunt.” At which point he packs up and scurries out and everyone thinks I am really, really cool.
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It’s another night of Richard Hawley’s “Danny”. His new album came out yesterday, but I’m not ready to buy it. I want to sit down with a tall glass of whisky and no pressing jobs and listen to it. I’m going to England next month with my baby doll, and I arrive in London the day after he plays there. Goddamnsonofawhore. You think you’ve got it bad in Iraq? You should listen to my troubles.
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