My gym has an interesting list of “Gym Etiquette” posted, listing things like “Don’t drop the weights on the floor” and “Don’t wear jeans or sandals”. My favorite says “Don’t be paranoid.” It goes on to explain you don’t need to think everyone is watching you, and you can just concentrate on your workout. I know for a fact this is not true, as I personally, ruthlessly, judge every single person I see.
I have my own list I’d like to add, starting with:
1. Don’t shower with the door open. Your water splashes on me, which is disgusting.
2. Don’t shave with an electric shaver in front of the mirror, you fucks. All your disgusting little hairs fall onto the counter, around the hairdryer and cotton swabs. It’s not complicated, do it over the sink and clean up after yourself.
3. If you smell, go home. This includes bad breath, cigarette breath, body odor, farting, musty clothes, whatever. I need to breathe deeply when I exercise, and you make it hell for me.
4. Don’t sing in the goddamn shower. Do you really think I give the slightest fuck about your favorite song? No, I don’t, so shut the fuck up.
5. Never sit on a machine if you’re not using it, or are not about to use it. Also, don’t stand in front of a machine, blocking it, leaving it inaccessible. Why? Don’t ask me why. It’s obvious.
6. If I’m on the machine by the mirror don’t try to cut through to the other side. I have to stop to let your lazy ass through. Walk around, it’s a goddamn gym after all, get some fucking exercise you selfish cunt.
7. Never, ever, under any circumstances, leave a used band-aid in the shower stall.
8. Don’t read newspapers, magazines or books on the treadmill. You’re lying to yourself thinking you are getting exercise while reading and casually strolling on a self-moving machine. Don’t talk on phones either. If you have enough lung power to hold a conversation then you may as well be wandering aimlessly on the street, just as your aimless, pointless life dictates you do.
9. Don’t use your machine in time with the bland, over-produced pop covers on the speaker system. You’ll look like a dick.
10. Don’t do stupid yoga-style poses in the stretching area unless you’re an able-bodied girl. Again, you look like a dick.
11. And really, don’t drop the goddamn weights. If they’re really so heavy then choose lighter weights you stupid cock. Otherwise you’re obviously just trying to tell everyone how tough you are, which makes you a completely, stupid cock.
I have my own list I’d like to add, starting with:
1. Don’t shower with the door open. Your water splashes on me, which is disgusting.
2. Don’t shave with an electric shaver in front of the mirror, you fucks. All your disgusting little hairs fall onto the counter, around the hairdryer and cotton swabs. It’s not complicated, do it over the sink and clean up after yourself.
3. If you smell, go home. This includes bad breath, cigarette breath, body odor, farting, musty clothes, whatever. I need to breathe deeply when I exercise, and you make it hell for me.
4. Don’t sing in the goddamn shower. Do you really think I give the slightest fuck about your favorite song? No, I don’t, so shut the fuck up.
5. Never sit on a machine if you’re not using it, or are not about to use it. Also, don’t stand in front of a machine, blocking it, leaving it inaccessible. Why? Don’t ask me why. It’s obvious.
6. If I’m on the machine by the mirror don’t try to cut through to the other side. I have to stop to let your lazy ass through. Walk around, it’s a goddamn gym after all, get some fucking exercise you selfish cunt.
7. Never, ever, under any circumstances, leave a used band-aid in the shower stall.
8. Don’t read newspapers, magazines or books on the treadmill. You’re lying to yourself thinking you are getting exercise while reading and casually strolling on a self-moving machine. Don’t talk on phones either. If you have enough lung power to hold a conversation then you may as well be wandering aimlessly on the street, just as your aimless, pointless life dictates you do.
9. Don’t use your machine in time with the bland, over-produced pop covers on the speaker system. You’ll look like a dick.
10. Don’t do stupid yoga-style poses in the stretching area unless you’re an able-bodied girl. Again, you look like a dick.
11. And really, don’t drop the goddamn weights. If they’re really so heavy then choose lighter weights you stupid cock. Otherwise you’re obviously just trying to tell everyone how tough you are, which makes you a completely, stupid cock.
3 comments:
Can I judge you the entire time I work out? :)
Is this Constant Winter? I like your blog a lot. Hell yes, you can check me out. I especially recommend the outline of my shoulder and top arm while I'm working on my triceps with the free weights.
This is great. Thought about it afterward, laughing.
ML
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